06/11/2014
Lecture 3 - Art of Discipline
The word discipline has several meanings: rules of behavior, habit training, obedience.....
Sometimes a man is called disciplined who is only obedient. Of course, in the majority of cases, exact and swift fulfillment of directions from a superior organization or an individual is expected. In Soviet society, however, simple obedience is by no means sufficient indication that a man is disciplined. We cannot be satisfied simply with obedience and still less with the blind obedience which was expected in pre-revolutionary schools.
From a Soviet citizen we demand more complicated discipline. We demand that he not only understand why it is necessary to fulfill this or that order but that he actively try to carry out the order in the best possible way. More, we expect that he be prepared to fulfill his duties at any moment without waiting for directives or orders but using initiative and creative will.....
We call a man disciplined only if he knows how, under all circumstances, to conduct himself in the right way, the best way for society, and if he is strong enough to carry through tasks to the end in spite of difficulties and obstacles....
A disciplined Soviet citizen is developed by the whole sum of correct influences among which political education, general education, books, papers, work, social activities, and even play, relaxation and recreation, will have a place.....
So discipline is not developed by special measures but by all the circumstances and influences which affect children. Understood this way, discipline is not a reason, a method, or a means for bringing up children correctly, but the result of it......
But there is a narrower department of educational work which is very near to discipline and is often confused with it -- that is, regime.....If discipline is the result of upbringing, regime is the means......
The family regime must not and cannot be the same in varied situations. The age of the children, their abilities, surroundings, neighbors, living conditions, the road to school, the life on the street, and many other things will influence and change the character of the regime. One regime is suitable for a large family and a completely different one for a family with only one child; one suited to younger children may be wrong for older ones. Older girls require their own special regime. So we must not understand regime as something permanent and unchangeable.....
In some families this mistake is often made; piously they hold on to a regime undertaken for a special purpose, holding it inviolable to the injury of children's interests and their own. Such an inviolable regime becomes a dead thing, useless and even harmful.
Regime cannot be permanent just because it is a method of upbringing. Everyone bringing up children has a definite aim; however, this aim always changes and becomes complicated.
In early childhood, for example, parents have the task of teaching the child cleanliness. Toward this aim they set up a special regime: baths, correct toilet habits, keeping the room clean, the bed and table orderly. Parents must never forget about this, must see that it is carried out, help if necessary, demand good work. If this is all well organized, it will be very useful and finally the time will come when the child has acquired habits of cleanliness, when he himself will not sit at table with dirty hands. This means that the goal has been reached. The regime needed to achieve this end now becomes superfluous. It must gradually be changed to another..... So we see that the regime is only a method....and we cannot
recommend a regime to parents. They must choose the one suited to their circumstances.
In spite of the variety of possible regimes there are, however, certain characteristics that should always be present. First of all, the regime should be consistent.
The regulations chosen for family life are followed not because someone else has adopted them or because they somehow make life pleasanter, but because they are necessary to achieve your chosen and well-understood goal. This goal should, in most cases, also be known by the children. If you insist that the children sit down to dinner at a certain hour, then the children must understand that this order is necessary in order to lighten the work of mother or the domestic helper and also so that several times a day the whole family may gather together to exchange ideas and experiences.....
There are parents who insist that children be silent at the table. Children submit but neither they nor the parents know why such a rule is followed. When the parents are asked about it, they explain that if one talks at table one may choke. Of course, this is senseless. Everybody talks at table and nothing unfortunate happens.....
Every regime must be regular.... If one's teeth must be brushed today, they must be brushed tomorrow; if one's bed must be made today, it must be done tomorrow also. The youngster does not make his bed once - twice. Should one make a fuss about it? Parents say, "It's only a trifle, one must not make the child nervous." Such reasoning is wrong for there are no trifles in education. An unmade bed means the beginning of slovenliness, disregard for an established regime.
The fact that a regime is obligatory and definite can be harmful if parents themselves are insincere, if they demand that children conform but themselves live in a disorderly fashion. Certainly the regime of the parent will differ greatly from the child's. But the difference should not be in principle. If you say that children may not read at the dinner table then you yourself must not do so. Similarly, if the children must wash their hands before eating, don't forget to do so yourself. You can make your own bed, it is not really difficult...
A time must be established for going to bed and for getting up. The allotment of the child's working hours must be carefully regulated, especially when he goes to school. Hours for eating, playing, going outdoors, etc, should also be established for younger children.... There must be regulations about cleanliness, changing one's clothes, behavior at table... Children must learn that everything has its proper place and after work or play leave everything in order...
Children need more activity than adults, of course, but do not think that the child must run and scream a great deal in order to use up energy. One must bring up the children so that they will know how to control their activity. Usually, there is no need of running about in the house. For this there is the playground, or garden, out of doors...
One should also teach children to control their voices screaming, shrieking, loud crying - all this is a sign of disorder. It shows more about the unhealthy nerves of the child than about any real need. Parents themselves are to blame for tense, screaming children. They are tense themselves and instead of creating an atmosphere of secure calm and quiet in the family, raise their own voices to a shriek...
Parents should learn, as early as possible, to use a calm, friendly but decisive tone in giving directions. Children at an early age should be accustomed to this tone, to taking directions and fulfilling them willingly.
Be as affectionate as you like with the children, laugh and play with them, but when the necessity arises, know how to give orders briefly, in such a way and in such a tone that there will be no doubt in your child's mind of the rightness of the order and the necessity for carrying it out.
Parents should learn how to give instructions very early, even when the first child is only a year-and-a-half old. It is not at all difficult, it is only necessary to meet the following requirements:
• Instructions must never be given angrily, loudly, irritably; but they must not sound like an entreaty or appeal, either.
• The order must be within the child's power, fulfillment of it must not demand too great an exertion.
• The order must be reasonable and not go against common sense.
• The order must not contradict those previously given by you or by the other parent.
• When instructions have once been given, they must be carried out without fail. It is a very bad thing to give directions and then to forget about them.
What shall one do if the child fails to carry out directions? Above all, try to see that this does not happen. If the child does not obey the first time, repeat the order in a more official and colder tone... Having given the order again and seen that it has been carried out, find out why you had to repeat it. No doubt, you are the guilty one, you did something wrong, there was some oversight. Try to avoid your mistake.
It is very important that the children do not get the habit of disobedience...
If the regime has been correct from the very beginning and if parents have been careful, punishment will not be needed. There are no punishments in a good family. But there are families where because of neglect and errors, parents cannot make headway without punishment. In such cases, parents often resort to punishment unwisely and spoil more than they help. Punishment certainly is a difficult matter. It requires great tact and care; that is why we urge parents, as far as possible, to avoid using punishments and to try to bring up their children by using the right kind of methods. Of course, this takes time, one
must be patient, and quietly await results.
In exceptional cases, one may employ some kind of punishment. For example, withhold a treat or entertainment, postpone a trip to the movies or the circus, withhold pocket money if it is usually given, forbid going out with friends. But once more, parents must remember that if the regime is wrong, punishment will be of no use. If the regime is correct, one may do without punishment, only be patient...
Be cautious, too, in using encouragement. It is never necessary to announce awards or prizes ahead of time. It is best simply to limit oneself to praise and approval. Childish joys, pleasures and entertainment should come to the children not as a reward for good conduct, but in the natural order of things as the legitimate satisfaction of their needs.
That which is necessary to the child must by all means be given to him, regardless of his merits and that which is not necessary or is bad for him must not be granted in guise of a reward.
In summary, discipline is the result of education and regime is the means. Therefore, regime is of various kinds, depending on circumstances. Every regime must be consistent, definite, exact ... The main aim of a regime is to provide experience in disciplined action. With a correct regime, punishment is unnecessary and, in general, should be avoided, as should excessive praise. It is best to rely on a correct regime and patiently await results.
Lecture 2 -Parental Authority
A. S. Makarenko's Lectures to Parents
Lecture 2 Parental Authority
Our fathers and mothers are commissioned by society to bring up future citizens of our country. Their parental power, their authority in the eyes of their children, is based on this.
However, it would be awkward in a family situation to prove parental authority by continual reference to such social responsibility. Children's training begins at an age when logical proof and presentation of general social rights are impossible. Yet children cannot be brought up without authority. The very idea of authority consists in the fact that it demands no proof, that it is an attribute of older people that is taken for granted. Its strength and value lie in the fact that it is self-evident in the child's simple eyes. Mother and father must have this kind of authority in their children's eyes.
One often hears the question: "What is to be done with the child when he does not obey?" This "does not obey" is a sign that the parents lack authority.
Usually, parents whose children "do not obey" are inclined to think that authority is inborn, is a special gift that if you lack this talent there is nothing to be done about it. You can only envy those who do possess it. Such parents are mistaken. Authority can be acquired in every family. Unfortunately, one does meet parents who base their authority on faulty premises. Their aim is to have children obey. This is a mistake for obedience cannot be the goal. Obedience can be only one of the means toward bringing up the child. Parents who do not think about goals want obedience for obedience' sake. If children obey, parents are tranquil. This very tranquility is really their aim. Authority established on such false premises is
quickly destroyed. Some parents achieve obedience by sacrificing all other aims and their children grow up obedient but weak.
There are many kinds of false authority and we will examine some of them in more or less detail.
Authority by Suppression
This is the most frightening kind of authority although not the most harmful. Such authority is usually exercised by fathers. If father always roars at home, is always angry, raises a storm over every trifle, is always reaching for a stick, answers every question rudely, punishes every transgression -- this is authority by suppression.
Such paternal terror keeps the whole family in fear, not only the children, mother, too. It does harm not only by frightening the children but also by reducing the mother to a mere cipher. Such authority only teaches children to keep their distance from terrifying papa; it develops lying and cowardice, and at the same time teaches the child cruelty. From oppressed and spiritless children develop either driveling good-for-nothing people or petty tyrants avenging, all their lives, the oppression suffered in childhood. This most savage sort of authority is exercised only by uncultured parents and, happily, is now dying out.
Authority by Aloofness
There are fathers and mothers who are really convinced that in order to have children obey they must have very little conversation with them, must keep their distance and only appear as superiors. Father retires to his office and seldom shows himself, like a pontiff. He dines apart, amuses himself apart, his orders are transmitted to the family through mother. It also happens with mothers. They carry on their own lives and interests and the children find themselves in the care of a nurse or domestic worker. This kind of authority is useless; such a family is irrationally organized.
Authority by Swaggering
This is a special variety of "authority by aloofness" but perhaps even more harmful. Although every citizen of the Soviet Union serves his country, some people consider their own service specially important, they point this out to their children at every step, puff themselves up and boast at home that they alone can do this or that job, harp on their achievements and are overbearing to other people. Impressed by such behavior, the children too, often become boastful with their comrades and brag, "My father is this, my father is that, my father is a writer, my father is a commander, my father is a celebrity."
In this atmosphere of pompousness, the "important" father does not know where his children are headed. Sometimes we find this attitude in mothers, too. A special dress, an important acquaintance, a trip to a resort, all this gives an excuse for boasting, for separating oneself from other people and from one's own children.
Authority by Pedantism
In this case parents pay attention to children, work with them, but they work like bureaucrats. They believe that children must accept their every word with trepidation, as holy. Orders are given in a cold tone of voice and once given, quickly become law. Such parents fear most of all that the child may think papa is mistaken, that papa is not a strong man. If such a papa says "Tomorrow it will rain, one can't go for a walk" and if tomorrow there is good weather -- all the same one may not go for a walk! Papa does not like movies -- so he forbids the children to go to the movies, even to good ones. Papa punishes the child; then finds that the child's fault was not as bad as it seemed. But papa does not change the punishment: "Once I have said it, so it must be." For such a papa there is always something to busy himself about. In every act of the child he sees some infringement of law and order and continually badgers the child with new commands and directions. The life, the interests, the growth of the child go unnoticed, he is concerned with nothing but his own bureaucratic command of the family.
Authority by Reasoning
In this case parents literally gnaw at children with endless instructions and talks. Instead of saying a few words, perhaps in a jocular tone, the parent will sit the child down facing him and launch into a boring and garrulous speech. Such parents are convinced that pedagogical wisdom consists of preaching. There is very little joy and few smiles in such a family. The parents strive with all their might to be virtuous. They want to appear faultless before the children. But they forget that children are not adults that children live their own lives and that one must respect this life. The child lives more emotionally, more passionately than an adult. The habit of thinking comes to the child gradually and quite slowly and the constant verbalization of the parent, the incessant nagging and chatter passes by the child's consciousness. Parents will never develop authority by this method.
Authority through Love
Many parents are convinced that children obey if they love their parents. To gain their children's love they pour tender words, caresses and endearments over them in a flood. Whenever the child disobeys they say "Don't you love papa?" Such a family becomes submerged in a sea of sentimentality. Parents jealously look into their children's eyes demanding tenderness and love. Mother will say to an acquaintance right in front of the child: "He loves papa and mama just terribly. He is such a loving child."
There are dangers in this direction. Soon children realize that they can deceive mama and papa when they please, it is only necessary to seem to be loving. From an early age the child may begin to understand that one can get around people, to calculate coldly and cynically. On the other hand, the child may look on everyone but the parents as strange and unsympathetic, not loving, since he does not understand comradeliness. This is the most dangerous type of authority. It develops insincerity and egoism. The first victims are often the parents themselves.
Authority by Kindness
This is the most stupid kind of authority. Obedience is called forth by kisses and flattery, by giving in, being soft and good. Father and mother appear to the child in the guise of angels of goodness who permit everything, are not stingy. They are remarkable parents. They are afraid of any kind of conflict and prefer peace in the family. They are ready to sacrifice anything so that everything will run smoothly. Pretty soon it is the children who are dictating to the parents. Parental non-resistance opens the door wide to all the child's desires, caprices and demands. Occasionally the parents permit themselves some small resistance but by then it is too late.
Authority through Friendship
Quite often, even before the children are born, the parents make a pact: our children will be our friends. In general, this is, of course, very good. Children and parents must be friends. But parents must remain the older members of a family collective and the children the younger members being brought up. If friendship goes beyond these limits, the child begins to bring up the parents. We find this most often among the intelligentsia. The children call the parents Peter or Maria, mock at them, interrupt them rudely, argue at every step. This is not real friendship, for no friendship is possible without mutual
respect.
Authority By Bribery
The most immoral kind of authority exists when obedience is bought by gifts and promises. Parents say: "If you obey, I'll buy you a toy horse. If you obey we shall go to the circus." Of course, some encouragement is necessary in a family, something like a reward or prize, but in no case should the child be rewarded for obedience or for good relations with parents. He may be rewarded for studying well or for carrying out some specially difficult work. But even then the reward must not be announced beforehand to stimulate the children to do their school work or other tasks.
We have considered several kinds of authority and there are many more; authority by being jolly, or erudite, by acting with children as "man-to-man."
Some parents do not think about authority at all. They just live anyhow, bringing up the children haphazardly, inconsistently. One day the parent punishes the child for a trivial thing, next day promises a bribe, on the following day again punishes the child. Such parents are always in an uproar and run about like chickens with their heads off; completely impotent, lacking in any understanding of what they are about. The father may exercise one kind of authority and the mother a different one. Their children must become diplomats and wind their way between father and mother.
Do not forget that the main basis for parental authority is the life and work of the parents, their task as citizens, their behavior. If parents are living rationally, if they have clear and significant goals, if they are fully conscious of their actions, they need not hunt for any other basis or seek anything artificial. They will have authority in their family.
As soon as children begin to grow up they are interested in the work mother and father are doing, where they work, what their social conditions are. It is important that children see their parents' work as socially valuable, not isolated but against the background of the whole country. The children should feel not boastful but good Soviet pride in their parents; at the same time they should know about the great men and women of our land so that their mother and father appear as participants in the same great comrades endeavors… Children should know about their parents and their achievements, too. True Soviet
authority...is that of a member of the collective. If you have succeeded in bringing up your son so that he is proud of the whole plant where his father works and rejoices in its successes -- then you have brought him up correctly.
But parents are members not only of their collective but of a socialist society and must appear as participants in this life in the eyes of their children. International events, literary achievements -- all this should be reflected in the thought and feelings of father. Only parents who live a full life, citizens of our country, will have real authority in their children's eyes. Please do not think you can live such a life "on purpose" to startle the children with your abilities! You must be sincere and really live such a life. Rest assured -- they will see for themselves what they need to.
But you are not only a citizen. You are also a father. It is your business to be the best possible one. You should know what the child is interested in, likes and dislikes, wants and does not want, who the child is friends with, plays with and what the games are, what he reads and how he reacts to what he reads, how he studies at school. Parents should know his relations with the teachers, what his difficulties are and his behavior in class. You should know these things from the earliest years. Then you will not be suddenly surprised by difficulties, conflicts or unpleasantness but anticipate and prevent them.
This does not mean, however, that one may annoy a child with constant questioning, cheap and insulting spying. From the beginning, arrange matters so that the children themselves will tell you what they are doing and be interested in your knowing. Invite your son's friends, visit them, get acquainted with their families. This does not need much time, only sincere attention to the children and their lives. Your interest will be noticed by the children. They love this attention and respect parents for it....
Giving help to the child strengthens your authority. Every child needs advice and help sometimes. He may not ask for help -- give it when needed. Sometimes the help can best be given by a joke, or some directions or suggestions.
Parents' help must not be obtrusive, tiresome or boring. Sometimes it is best to let the child overcome his difficulty himself, only resolve problems too complicated for him. He must learn to overcome obstacles but not be allowed to get in despair about a problem. Be sure he can solve it himself. Let him see your faith in his strength and ability. The child should feel you by his side, your wise care, but at the same time know that you demand something of him, that you do not intend to do everything for him and relieve him of responsibility.
The child must never think that your guidance of the family is only for your own pleasure but understand that you are meeting your responsibility to society....Even in early years the child on a desert island.
In conclusion, real authority is necessary in a family. Real authority rests upon the parent's social activity, social feeling, and the parent's knowledge of the life of the child, and his acceptance of responsibility.
Lecture 2 Parental Authority
Our fathers and mothers are commissioned by society to bring up future citizens of our country. Their parental power, their authority in the eyes of their children, is based on this.
However, it would be awkward in a family situation to prove parental authority by continual reference to such social responsibility. Children's training begins at an age when logical proof and presentation of general social rights are impossible. Yet children cannot be brought up without authority. The very idea of authority consists in the fact that it demands no proof, that it is an attribute of older people that is taken for granted. Its strength and value lie in the fact that it is self-evident in the child's simple eyes. Mother and father must have this kind of authority in their children's eyes.
One often hears the question: "What is to be done with the child when he does not obey?" This "does not obey" is a sign that the parents lack authority.
Usually, parents whose children "do not obey" are inclined to think that authority is inborn, is a special gift that if you lack this talent there is nothing to be done about it. You can only envy those who do possess it. Such parents are mistaken. Authority can be acquired in every family. Unfortunately, one does meet parents who base their authority on faulty premises. Their aim is to have children obey. This is a mistake for obedience cannot be the goal. Obedience can be only one of the means toward bringing up the child. Parents who do not think about goals want obedience for obedience' sake. If children obey, parents are tranquil. This very tranquility is really their aim. Authority established on such false premises is
quickly destroyed. Some parents achieve obedience by sacrificing all other aims and their children grow up obedient but weak.
There are many kinds of false authority and we will examine some of them in more or less detail.
Authority by Suppression
This is the most frightening kind of authority although not the most harmful. Such authority is usually exercised by fathers. If father always roars at home, is always angry, raises a storm over every trifle, is always reaching for a stick, answers every question rudely, punishes every transgression -- this is authority by suppression.
Such paternal terror keeps the whole family in fear, not only the children, mother, too. It does harm not only by frightening the children but also by reducing the mother to a mere cipher. Such authority only teaches children to keep their distance from terrifying papa; it develops lying and cowardice, and at the same time teaches the child cruelty. From oppressed and spiritless children develop either driveling good-for-nothing people or petty tyrants avenging, all their lives, the oppression suffered in childhood. This most savage sort of authority is exercised only by uncultured parents and, happily, is now dying out.
Authority by Aloofness
There are fathers and mothers who are really convinced that in order to have children obey they must have very little conversation with them, must keep their distance and only appear as superiors. Father retires to his office and seldom shows himself, like a pontiff. He dines apart, amuses himself apart, his orders are transmitted to the family through mother. It also happens with mothers. They carry on their own lives and interests and the children find themselves in the care of a nurse or domestic worker. This kind of authority is useless; such a family is irrationally organized.
Authority by Swaggering
This is a special variety of "authority by aloofness" but perhaps even more harmful. Although every citizen of the Soviet Union serves his country, some people consider their own service specially important, they point this out to their children at every step, puff themselves up and boast at home that they alone can do this or that job, harp on their achievements and are overbearing to other people. Impressed by such behavior, the children too, often become boastful with their comrades and brag, "My father is this, my father is that, my father is a writer, my father is a commander, my father is a celebrity."
In this atmosphere of pompousness, the "important" father does not know where his children are headed. Sometimes we find this attitude in mothers, too. A special dress, an important acquaintance, a trip to a resort, all this gives an excuse for boasting, for separating oneself from other people and from one's own children.
Authority by Pedantism
In this case parents pay attention to children, work with them, but they work like bureaucrats. They believe that children must accept their every word with trepidation, as holy. Orders are given in a cold tone of voice and once given, quickly become law. Such parents fear most of all that the child may think papa is mistaken, that papa is not a strong man. If such a papa says "Tomorrow it will rain, one can't go for a walk" and if tomorrow there is good weather -- all the same one may not go for a walk! Papa does not like movies -- so he forbids the children to go to the movies, even to good ones. Papa punishes the child; then finds that the child's fault was not as bad as it seemed. But papa does not change the punishment: "Once I have said it, so it must be." For such a papa there is always something to busy himself about. In every act of the child he sees some infringement of law and order and continually badgers the child with new commands and directions. The life, the interests, the growth of the child go unnoticed, he is concerned with nothing but his own bureaucratic command of the family.
Authority by Reasoning
In this case parents literally gnaw at children with endless instructions and talks. Instead of saying a few words, perhaps in a jocular tone, the parent will sit the child down facing him and launch into a boring and garrulous speech. Such parents are convinced that pedagogical wisdom consists of preaching. There is very little joy and few smiles in such a family. The parents strive with all their might to be virtuous. They want to appear faultless before the children. But they forget that children are not adults that children live their own lives and that one must respect this life. The child lives more emotionally, more passionately than an adult. The habit of thinking comes to the child gradually and quite slowly and the constant verbalization of the parent, the incessant nagging and chatter passes by the child's consciousness. Parents will never develop authority by this method.
Authority through Love
Many parents are convinced that children obey if they love their parents. To gain their children's love they pour tender words, caresses and endearments over them in a flood. Whenever the child disobeys they say "Don't you love papa?" Such a family becomes submerged in a sea of sentimentality. Parents jealously look into their children's eyes demanding tenderness and love. Mother will say to an acquaintance right in front of the child: "He loves papa and mama just terribly. He is such a loving child."
There are dangers in this direction. Soon children realize that they can deceive mama and papa when they please, it is only necessary to seem to be loving. From an early age the child may begin to understand that one can get around people, to calculate coldly and cynically. On the other hand, the child may look on everyone but the parents as strange and unsympathetic, not loving, since he does not understand comradeliness. This is the most dangerous type of authority. It develops insincerity and egoism. The first victims are often the parents themselves.
Authority by Kindness
This is the most stupid kind of authority. Obedience is called forth by kisses and flattery, by giving in, being soft and good. Father and mother appear to the child in the guise of angels of goodness who permit everything, are not stingy. They are remarkable parents. They are afraid of any kind of conflict and prefer peace in the family. They are ready to sacrifice anything so that everything will run smoothly. Pretty soon it is the children who are dictating to the parents. Parental non-resistance opens the door wide to all the child's desires, caprices and demands. Occasionally the parents permit themselves some small resistance but by then it is too late.
Authority through Friendship
Quite often, even before the children are born, the parents make a pact: our children will be our friends. In general, this is, of course, very good. Children and parents must be friends. But parents must remain the older members of a family collective and the children the younger members being brought up. If friendship goes beyond these limits, the child begins to bring up the parents. We find this most often among the intelligentsia. The children call the parents Peter or Maria, mock at them, interrupt them rudely, argue at every step. This is not real friendship, for no friendship is possible without mutual
respect.
Authority By Bribery
The most immoral kind of authority exists when obedience is bought by gifts and promises. Parents say: "If you obey, I'll buy you a toy horse. If you obey we shall go to the circus." Of course, some encouragement is necessary in a family, something like a reward or prize, but in no case should the child be rewarded for obedience or for good relations with parents. He may be rewarded for studying well or for carrying out some specially difficult work. But even then the reward must not be announced beforehand to stimulate the children to do their school work or other tasks.
We have considered several kinds of authority and there are many more; authority by being jolly, or erudite, by acting with children as "man-to-man."
Some parents do not think about authority at all. They just live anyhow, bringing up the children haphazardly, inconsistently. One day the parent punishes the child for a trivial thing, next day promises a bribe, on the following day again punishes the child. Such parents are always in an uproar and run about like chickens with their heads off; completely impotent, lacking in any understanding of what they are about. The father may exercise one kind of authority and the mother a different one. Their children must become diplomats and wind their way between father and mother.
Do not forget that the main basis for parental authority is the life and work of the parents, their task as citizens, their behavior. If parents are living rationally, if they have clear and significant goals, if they are fully conscious of their actions, they need not hunt for any other basis or seek anything artificial. They will have authority in their family.
As soon as children begin to grow up they are interested in the work mother and father are doing, where they work, what their social conditions are. It is important that children see their parents' work as socially valuable, not isolated but against the background of the whole country. The children should feel not boastful but good Soviet pride in their parents; at the same time they should know about the great men and women of our land so that their mother and father appear as participants in the same great comrades endeavors… Children should know about their parents and their achievements, too. True Soviet
authority...is that of a member of the collective. If you have succeeded in bringing up your son so that he is proud of the whole plant where his father works and rejoices in its successes -- then you have brought him up correctly.
But parents are members not only of their collective but of a socialist society and must appear as participants in this life in the eyes of their children. International events, literary achievements -- all this should be reflected in the thought and feelings of father. Only parents who live a full life, citizens of our country, will have real authority in their children's eyes. Please do not think you can live such a life "on purpose" to startle the children with your abilities! You must be sincere and really live such a life. Rest assured -- they will see for themselves what they need to.
But you are not only a citizen. You are also a father. It is your business to be the best possible one. You should know what the child is interested in, likes and dislikes, wants and does not want, who the child is friends with, plays with and what the games are, what he reads and how he reacts to what he reads, how he studies at school. Parents should know his relations with the teachers, what his difficulties are and his behavior in class. You should know these things from the earliest years. Then you will not be suddenly surprised by difficulties, conflicts or unpleasantness but anticipate and prevent them.
This does not mean, however, that one may annoy a child with constant questioning, cheap and insulting spying. From the beginning, arrange matters so that the children themselves will tell you what they are doing and be interested in your knowing. Invite your son's friends, visit them, get acquainted with their families. This does not need much time, only sincere attention to the children and their lives. Your interest will be noticed by the children. They love this attention and respect parents for it....
Giving help to the child strengthens your authority. Every child needs advice and help sometimes. He may not ask for help -- give it when needed. Sometimes the help can best be given by a joke, or some directions or suggestions.
Parents' help must not be obtrusive, tiresome or boring. Sometimes it is best to let the child overcome his difficulty himself, only resolve problems too complicated for him. He must learn to overcome obstacles but not be allowed to get in despair about a problem. Be sure he can solve it himself. Let him see your faith in his strength and ability. The child should feel you by his side, your wise care, but at the same time know that you demand something of him, that you do not intend to do everything for him and relieve him of responsibility.
The child must never think that your guidance of the family is only for your own pleasure but understand that you are meeting your responsibility to society....Even in early years the child on a desert island.
In conclusion, real authority is necessary in a family. Real authority rests upon the parent's social activity, social feeling, and the parent's knowledge of the life of the child, and his acceptance of responsibility.
Lecture 1 General Conditions for Bringing Up a Family
A. S. Makarenko - Lectures to Parents
Lecture 1 General Conditions for Bringing Up a Family
Dear Parents! Dear Soviet citizens!
The most important part of our lives is bringing up our children. They are the future citizens of our country and of the world. They will create history! Our children are the future fathers and mothers who will, in their turn, rear children. They must grow up to be good citizens and good fathers and mothers.
And this is not all -- our children are our old age -- if they are well brought up we will have a happy old age but if they are badly reared we will experience sorrow and tears. We will suffer before other people and before our country for our guilt.
Dear parents, above all remember the great importance of this matter of child-rearing and your responsibility for it...
Now let us turn our attention to some questions of general significance. First: to bring up a child correctly and normally is much easier than to re-educate him. It is really not as hard as some people seem to think. Any parent is capable of bringing up his children rightly -- if he really wants to. And what a joyful, pleasant, happy task it is! Re-education is a different matter. If you have done a bad job, been thoughtless, lazy or neglectful, much will have to be done over again, corrected. And this task requires more wisdom and patience than we find in every parent. So again we advise you, parents, do your task well from the very beginning....
Many mistakes are made because parents forget what period of history they live in. Out in the world, they seem to be good Soviet citizens, members of the new socialist society. But at home, with their children, they live in the old ways. Of course not everything in the pre-revolutionary family was bad, much should be taken over. But do not forget the major differences. We live in a classless society...our children must grow up to be active and conscious builders of communism.
Parents must remember too, that in the pre-revolutionary family the father had great power; children lived completely under his will, there was no escape for them from parental authority and some fathers treated their children cruelly. Government and church upheld their power -- it was convenient in an exploiting society. In our family the organization is very different. Our daughters do not have to wait for their fathers to find them a husband!
The feelings of the children rule. Obviously, if parents are to have influence now, they must find new methods, the old ones may no longer be used.
In the old-type family everyone belonged to some class and the son of a peasant was a peasant too, the son of a worker, a worker. Now a broad range of choice opens before our children. Their decisions need not be made according to the economic situation of the family but on the basis of their own capabilities and preparation. Both parents and children understand this. Under such conditions, parental decrees are impossible. Guiding must be done by wiser, more subtle and cautious means.
Our family is no longer a paternal one. Our women enjoy the same rights as men, mothers have rights equal with fathers. The Soviet family is a collective, not a group under one-man rule. Yet in this collective the parents have certain recognized rights. From whence do they derive them?
In the old days, it was believed that paternal power had heavenly sanction, that it was pleasing to God. Parental repression was based on the Ten Commandments.
Now we do not deceive children. Our parents are responsible for their children before Soviet society and Soviet Law. They have great power, therefore, and must have authority. Although a family is a collective of equal members of society, children and parents differ from one another. Parents guide the family, the children are being brought up in it.
Parents must clearly understand that they are not the sole, uncontrolled bosses but must act as the older, responsible members of a collective. A clear concept of this will be very helpful in the task of bringing up children....
The structure of a family is important. This is, in the main, within our control. Even if a family has material problems, it should not limit itself to one child. An only child becomes the center of attention and receives more care than is normal or beneficial.... Often an only child becomes a real despot -- parents find that they have brought up an egoist whether they wanted to or not.
A large, well-organized family accustoms the children from infancy to mutual relationships, gives them opportunities to experience love and friendship in various forms between older and younger children. In such a family, children learn that necessary tasks cannot be carried out alone but must be done together. They experience life in a collective at every step, in play and work. This is essential for Soviet children. In bourgeois society it was less important because that society was constructed on egoistic principles...
Incomplete families, where the parents have separated, have an unhealthy influence on children's bringing up. The children may become the subject of dispute between parents who detest one another and do not hide this from their children. We advise parents who, for some reason, decide to separate to think first of all about the children, to hide their hatred and resolve conflicts tactfully. Parents who truly love their children will try to prevent their mutual differences from reaching a complete break so that their children will not be placed in this difficult situation. Obviously, if the father has left his family he cannot bring up his children. If his influence is bad, better forget him. That is the honest way to do. Of course, he must continue as before to carry his material responsibilities for the care of the children.....
Our next question is the matter of goals.
Some families never think about this. Parents just live beside their children and hope that things will take care of themselves. They have no goals, no programme. Results, under such conditions, will be casual, haphazard. Parents are often surprised to find that their children have grown up badly... No one can do a job well unless he knows what he wants to accomplish. You must clearly understand your own desires. Do you want to bring up a true Soviet citizen, an energetic, honest, learned human being, one devoted to his country, to the revolution, work-loving, kind and courteous? Or do you want your child to be narrow-minded, greedy, cowardly, some kind of crafty little business man? Think this over carefully... Then you will see what mistakes you are making and what is the best path to follow.
Remember! You did not bring your son or daughter into the world for your own pleasure alone! And always remember that a future citizen is in your charge. If you fail, the grief will not be yours alone. The whole country will suffer. And do not brush this aside! Do not consider this a tiresome argument! If your factory turned out damaged goods you would be ashamed. Isn't it much more shameful for you to give your country a spoiled or bad human being?
Family affairs cannot be separated from the affairs of society. Your activities at home or at work are reflected in your family. They should see you as a politically, civic-minded person and not separate this image from their image of you as parent. Whatever happens in our country will reach them through your feelings and thoughts. They should know what makes you happy or sad, what is going on at your plant, what kind of community activity you are involved in. They should be proud of your successes and your service to society. This will not be healthy pride, however, if it is only pride in your good clothes, your automobile or your hunting rifle.
Your own conduct is decisive. You are constantly educating your child -- even when you are not with him. Your manner of dress, how you treat your friends or enemies, even what you laugh at -- read in the paper -- all this has great meaning for the child. You may not even be aware that your thoughts are affecting him in unseen ways -- a change in your voice...
If you are coarse or boastful at home or -- much worse -- if you are insulting to mother, there is no use thinking about bringing up your children. You are already bringing them up badly and no advice will help you.
The parent's own self-discipline -- control at every step -- this is the most important method of bringing up children correctly.
We often meet parents who believe that some sort of clever prescription exists for bringing up children and that they must find it. In their opinion, if they find this prescription they may bring up work-loving people, honest citizens. If only they can get it into their hands they will be able to work miracles and their child will grow up rightly.
There are no such miracles. No prescription will help if the personality of the person rearing the child has great faults. First pay attention to these faults.
There are no pedagogic tricks. Unfortunately some people believe in them. One thinks up punishments, another some kind of prize, a third plays the clown at home to amuse the children, a fourth bribes with promises.
Bringing up children requires a serious, simple and sincere attitude. -- Laziness, cynicism, frivolity will doom your work to failure. -- Tricks prevent parents from seeing the real tasks, confuse them and waste time.
And how many parents love to complain about lack of time! Of course it is a good thing to be with your children. It would be too bad if you did not see them often. But this does not mean that parents should never take their eyes off the children. This sort of thing develops passivity, accustoms children too much to adult society, may result in precocity. (Parents like to brag about precocity but later they find that they were wrong to do so.)
Of course a parent should know what his child is doing, where he is. But the child must have freedom so that he will be subject to a variety of influences. Don't think that he can be fenced off even from harmful or negative ones. For, in life, he will meet temptations, strange and evil people and circumstances. A hothouse upbringing will never develop the ability to withstand them and to struggle against them…
Children must have help and direction from time to time... but this does not mean that they should be led by the hand... So for bringing up your child it is not more time that you need but correct use of the little time you have.
The essence of child rearing does not....consist in your conversations with the child, in direct effect on him, but rather in the organization of the family, of your own life and the life of the child. In this matter there are no trifles... Good organization consists in not brushing aside small details...These details of life act as an influence regularly, daily, hourly... To guide and organize life is your responsible task.
In summary:
-------- END -------------
Lecture 1 General Conditions for Bringing Up a Family
Dear Parents! Dear Soviet citizens!
The most important part of our lives is bringing up our children. They are the future citizens of our country and of the world. They will create history! Our children are the future fathers and mothers who will, in their turn, rear children. They must grow up to be good citizens and good fathers and mothers.
And this is not all -- our children are our old age -- if they are well brought up we will have a happy old age but if they are badly reared we will experience sorrow and tears. We will suffer before other people and before our country for our guilt.
Dear parents, above all remember the great importance of this matter of child-rearing and your responsibility for it...
Now let us turn our attention to some questions of general significance. First: to bring up a child correctly and normally is much easier than to re-educate him. It is really not as hard as some people seem to think. Any parent is capable of bringing up his children rightly -- if he really wants to. And what a joyful, pleasant, happy task it is! Re-education is a different matter. If you have done a bad job, been thoughtless, lazy or neglectful, much will have to be done over again, corrected. And this task requires more wisdom and patience than we find in every parent. So again we advise you, parents, do your task well from the very beginning....
Many mistakes are made because parents forget what period of history they live in. Out in the world, they seem to be good Soviet citizens, members of the new socialist society. But at home, with their children, they live in the old ways. Of course not everything in the pre-revolutionary family was bad, much should be taken over. But do not forget the major differences. We live in a classless society...our children must grow up to be active and conscious builders of communism.
Parents must remember too, that in the pre-revolutionary family the father had great power; children lived completely under his will, there was no escape for them from parental authority and some fathers treated their children cruelly. Government and church upheld their power -- it was convenient in an exploiting society. In our family the organization is very different. Our daughters do not have to wait for their fathers to find them a husband!
The feelings of the children rule. Obviously, if parents are to have influence now, they must find new methods, the old ones may no longer be used.
In the old-type family everyone belonged to some class and the son of a peasant was a peasant too, the son of a worker, a worker. Now a broad range of choice opens before our children. Their decisions need not be made according to the economic situation of the family but on the basis of their own capabilities and preparation. Both parents and children understand this. Under such conditions, parental decrees are impossible. Guiding must be done by wiser, more subtle and cautious means.
Our family is no longer a paternal one. Our women enjoy the same rights as men, mothers have rights equal with fathers. The Soviet family is a collective, not a group under one-man rule. Yet in this collective the parents have certain recognized rights. From whence do they derive them?
In the old days, it was believed that paternal power had heavenly sanction, that it was pleasing to God. Parental repression was based on the Ten Commandments.
Now we do not deceive children. Our parents are responsible for their children before Soviet society and Soviet Law. They have great power, therefore, and must have authority. Although a family is a collective of equal members of society, children and parents differ from one another. Parents guide the family, the children are being brought up in it.
Parents must clearly understand that they are not the sole, uncontrolled bosses but must act as the older, responsible members of a collective. A clear concept of this will be very helpful in the task of bringing up children....
The structure of a family is important. This is, in the main, within our control. Even if a family has material problems, it should not limit itself to one child. An only child becomes the center of attention and receives more care than is normal or beneficial.... Often an only child becomes a real despot -- parents find that they have brought up an egoist whether they wanted to or not.
A large, well-organized family accustoms the children from infancy to mutual relationships, gives them opportunities to experience love and friendship in various forms between older and younger children. In such a family, children learn that necessary tasks cannot be carried out alone but must be done together. They experience life in a collective at every step, in play and work. This is essential for Soviet children. In bourgeois society it was less important because that society was constructed on egoistic principles...
Incomplete families, where the parents have separated, have an unhealthy influence on children's bringing up. The children may become the subject of dispute between parents who detest one another and do not hide this from their children. We advise parents who, for some reason, decide to separate to think first of all about the children, to hide their hatred and resolve conflicts tactfully. Parents who truly love their children will try to prevent their mutual differences from reaching a complete break so that their children will not be placed in this difficult situation. Obviously, if the father has left his family he cannot bring up his children. If his influence is bad, better forget him. That is the honest way to do. Of course, he must continue as before to carry his material responsibilities for the care of the children.....
Our next question is the matter of goals.
Some families never think about this. Parents just live beside their children and hope that things will take care of themselves. They have no goals, no programme. Results, under such conditions, will be casual, haphazard. Parents are often surprised to find that their children have grown up badly... No one can do a job well unless he knows what he wants to accomplish. You must clearly understand your own desires. Do you want to bring up a true Soviet citizen, an energetic, honest, learned human being, one devoted to his country, to the revolution, work-loving, kind and courteous? Or do you want your child to be narrow-minded, greedy, cowardly, some kind of crafty little business man? Think this over carefully... Then you will see what mistakes you are making and what is the best path to follow.
Remember! You did not bring your son or daughter into the world for your own pleasure alone! And always remember that a future citizen is in your charge. If you fail, the grief will not be yours alone. The whole country will suffer. And do not brush this aside! Do not consider this a tiresome argument! If your factory turned out damaged goods you would be ashamed. Isn't it much more shameful for you to give your country a spoiled or bad human being?
Family affairs cannot be separated from the affairs of society. Your activities at home or at work are reflected in your family. They should see you as a politically, civic-minded person and not separate this image from their image of you as parent. Whatever happens in our country will reach them through your feelings and thoughts. They should know what makes you happy or sad, what is going on at your plant, what kind of community activity you are involved in. They should be proud of your successes and your service to society. This will not be healthy pride, however, if it is only pride in your good clothes, your automobile or your hunting rifle.
Your own conduct is decisive. You are constantly educating your child -- even when you are not with him. Your manner of dress, how you treat your friends or enemies, even what you laugh at -- read in the paper -- all this has great meaning for the child. You may not even be aware that your thoughts are affecting him in unseen ways -- a change in your voice...
If you are coarse or boastful at home or -- much worse -- if you are insulting to mother, there is no use thinking about bringing up your children. You are already bringing them up badly and no advice will help you.
The parent's own self-discipline -- control at every step -- this is the most important method of bringing up children correctly.
We often meet parents who believe that some sort of clever prescription exists for bringing up children and that they must find it. In their opinion, if they find this prescription they may bring up work-loving people, honest citizens. If only they can get it into their hands they will be able to work miracles and their child will grow up rightly.
There are no such miracles. No prescription will help if the personality of the person rearing the child has great faults. First pay attention to these faults.
There are no pedagogic tricks. Unfortunately some people believe in them. One thinks up punishments, another some kind of prize, a third plays the clown at home to amuse the children, a fourth bribes with promises.
Bringing up children requires a serious, simple and sincere attitude. -- Laziness, cynicism, frivolity will doom your work to failure. -- Tricks prevent parents from seeing the real tasks, confuse them and waste time.
And how many parents love to complain about lack of time! Of course it is a good thing to be with your children. It would be too bad if you did not see them often. But this does not mean that parents should never take their eyes off the children. This sort of thing develops passivity, accustoms children too much to adult society, may result in precocity. (Parents like to brag about precocity but later they find that they were wrong to do so.)
Of course a parent should know what his child is doing, where he is. But the child must have freedom so that he will be subject to a variety of influences. Don't think that he can be fenced off even from harmful or negative ones. For, in life, he will meet temptations, strange and evil people and circumstances. A hothouse upbringing will never develop the ability to withstand them and to struggle against them…
Children must have help and direction from time to time... but this does not mean that they should be led by the hand... So for bringing up your child it is not more time that you need but correct use of the little time you have.
The essence of child rearing does not....consist in your conversations with the child, in direct effect on him, but rather in the organization of the family, of your own life and the life of the child. In this matter there are no trifles... Good organization consists in not brushing aside small details...These details of life act as an influence regularly, daily, hourly... To guide and organize life is your responsible task.
In summary:
- • Try to bring up your child correctly so that you will not have to re-educate him, which is much harder.
- • Remember that you are leading a new Soviet family. As far as possible achieve the right structure of the family.
- • Set yourself a goal and programme for the task of up-bringing.
- • Remember that the child is not only your joy but a future citizen and that you answer to the country for him. Above all be a good citizen yourself and carry your civic feeling family.
- • Make severe demands on your own behavior.
- • No need of hunting for tricks and formulas. Be serious, simple and sincere. Guide the child but do not protect him from life.
- • The main thing in the work of bringing up children is the organization of family life with careful attention to details.
-------- END -------------
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